Honest, I have; but not in the way you might be thinking! I could be quite happy about it if it were not for the fact that, over time, it has been quite destructive. I am the bringer of death to small electrical appliances. That’s something for my headstone.
During my time on this plane I have been party to the destruction of many hairdryers; they have blown up with alarming regularity. The make, model or cost made no difference. They each got to the point where, one day, there was a fizz, lots of sparks, closely followed by smoke and me rapidly reaching for the plug socket to unplug said appliance, before it set the house (or me) alight. How I never got flung across my bedroom in an electrifying haze I will never know. All my friends thought I permed my hair. In fact, it was the result of the fizz whizz bang that occurred so often whilst drying my hair that caused the perm effect. There were times when I was seriously not impressed with the big hair, especially when it went out of fashion. So far, I have resisted the urge to fork out a small fortune for a Dyson; there seems little point…
I have just as much luck with vacuum cleaners and have killed a few of the Dyson variety in my time too, again with much fizzing and banging! Thankfully, no vacuum cleaner has, as yet, actually exploded in a cloud of dust and dog fur, but it is probably just a matter of time. I have had plenty of electric shocks from them though, adding to my use of the vernacular and the perm effect, making me look like a 1980s throwback.
Irons too are not excluded from my electrifying personality. There has been many an occasion where there have been flames leaping out and licking up my arm as I ironed away, sometimes without my even noticing, only to have a family member hollering at me in a very panicked tone. Mind you, ironing is not my forte; I am quite possibly the only woman I know who ironed her wedding veil on the morning of her wedding and melted a huge hole in it. I found an answer to the ironing problem; I no longer buy anything that needs ironing and my lovely hubby insists on doing his own. Result: for me, for the local emergency services and for the crimplene industry.
This is where I really excel. It is the one device that I blow up with alarming regularity. This a bugger really; I have blown up Samsungs, HTCs and even a Nokia, and they are the CAT of the mobile phone world.
It has got to the point that I no longer go down the road of having a mobile phone as part of a contract. My insurance company just will not have it any more. So, I buy cheaper brands and, believe me, there are many, and they too are just as liable to blow up in my fair hands. This is always aided and abetted by my over use of the battery which I hammer to within a nano-millimetre of its life. To underline my expertise at killing mobile phones, in the past 12 months I have had six. Yes, you read this correctly.
5 plus 1
I started this last year with a Cubot. Actually, I quite like these. They are a Chinese manufacturer and I would recommend them for anyone except me. There are various models and they are really very serviceable. I had two early on in the past 12 months. They died. I then got an Asus. That didn’t last long at all. It died. Perhaps as well as I just could not get the hang of having the on off and volume buttons on the backside. Far too fiddly for an old Blogwoppit. Then I bought another Cubot. I killed the battery on that one with overuse, playing Candy Crush and checking Facebook. Mostly I had bought my mobile phones from eBay which was OK but caused problems if I wanted to return the item to China. They do not provide a return service. Instead I now receive a lucky blue marble on a monthly basis much to the delight of the goldfish.
So, then I moved to Amazon. Great idea as I could use the speedy delivery option and it is far easier to return faulty goods through them – this is a must if I am not to become bankrupt. I found a nice big one (phone) that had the memory I needed etc. The description for the phone did not say if the battery was removable or not. So, when the phone came, even though it didn’t look right, I tried to take the tape off the battery, as you do with many, before use. Big mistake. It was a non-removable battery and I made a right pig’s ear of it. Having virtually destroyed the casing to get to the battery, I ruptured a shoulder muscle trying to get said battery out and completely annihilated the little copper connector thingies. I then realised my mistake and tried to shove the battery back into the phone as if I had not touched it at all. When I plugged it in to charge up (I still can’t believe I did this), within a very short space of time there were smoke and flames. So, before I had given myself chance to put the box into the recycling, it was on its way back to Amazon (once I had put the flames out and given it chance to cool down). Really, this was not my fault. The instructions did not say anywhere if the battery was removable or not. There must an opening here for a one time technical author to write the manual for these devices! I did wrap the phone up carefully though to send it back, so that there were no fire hazards for MyHermes and Amazon. I did not want to be responsible for destroying Amazon as well as a lovely HomTom.
Once I received a refund, I searched again, and this time went for another Chinese phone. It looked lovely. Huge screen; really it was a phablet. It arrived, and the battery set up was stated, so all went to plan there. That is until Android 7 refused to work. I had lots of issues. I lost all my phone numbers – not good when you run your own business. Then all of a sudden they would reappear. Mean, because I would just give out a huge sigh of relief for them to bloody well disappear again. Apps disappeared with alarming regularity too. How was I meant to play Candy Crush when it kept vanishing? The screen played some very cruel games with me by putting my apps in a different order. I reset the phone to factory settings daily, and had to download my apps and sign back into them all (and reset all passwords which of course I have tendency to forget). It was absolute hell. This was the one phone I really wished had blown up in a blaze of glory. It was sent back.
What you have to understand is, that this happened in the space of two weeks.
By this time, I was getting really cheesed off (and possibly so were Amazon). I was relegated to using a very old phone with a cracked screen. The crack ran from the top right-hand corner down the length of the screen and meant I couldn’t scroll for some apps. It also meant my appalling typing on the keyboard was even more nonsensical than usual. So, I gave in and searched for another phone.
I took ages to choose another phone. I read review after review on the phones I had in my sight. Of course, none of the reviews spoke about the likelihood of bursting into flames or being Blogwoppit proof. But, eventually I made my decision and am now the almost proud owner of an Oukitel U16 Max. I have to say that, for the small amount of money I paid for it, it is really sturdy. No plastic body here, a nice aluminium gold (not real) body. And, it also boasts a really responsive screen, the latest android version, great memory and dual sim to boot. No, they are not paying me to say this. Do you really think any electrical manufacturer would let me anywhere near their products? No: well there you go. All I will say is, that if you are on a pay as you go contract and are in the habit of buying lesser known brands, then I can actually recommend this phone. I have had it for two months now (!!) and it is still going strong. So much so that hubby is going to get one too. Please do not let this be the kiss of death for phone number 7.
It can’t just be me who has issue with these? I can no longer wander around a certain supermarket’s clothing departments with a trolley because: A) I get too many electric shocks from said trolley as it trundles across the floor in that area B) I have been banned after letting out a very loud ‘ouch WTF’ after one such electrification and thereby giving a little old lady the shock (!) of her life, necessitating in her requiring a long sit down in a changing room cubicle with a strong cuppa.
I am now on a mission to see what I can blow up next. The washing machine seems fair game and I have already started the search for a new one. The fact that I am wanting a washer dryer does not bode well does it?
The Blogwoppit xx